Nickisms and the Lyon casebook

The Chap experience has recived news of a number of cases of extreme foul behaviour by Nick. These experiences have been documented by some of the unfortunte women who have suffered at the hands of Nick. (SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT)

NICKISMS

Nicks vocabulary has even come under police scrutiny, as they have complied a list known as Nickisms. These are the utterances of a man posessed and are all true. When originally questioned Nick gave us this insight to his life;

"Uugh, women. I'm Nick Lyon, I am, and I want to let you in on my secrets of being irresistable to the opposite sex, I do. First of all you need a mobile phone, preferably by Seimens, ooh that reminds me. Ooh sorry, just having a wank. And then when you have your phone, you need to speak like me and my friend Koz, you do."

If you here of any Nickisms, dont panic, just make sure you have them noted down for evidance purposes. Together we can stop this perverted menace to women and society. _{(SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT)}

IN CLUBS:

Rob: "...yeah, her hands were down my pants."
Nick: "Yeah, I hear about that a lot, but no girls ever put their hands down my pants. I think it must be because they feel my mobile, and think I have two cocks, so get scared"
Rob " err, yeah"

Nick: "Hi, I hope I`m not bothering you or anything, but do you mind if I eat your pussy?"
Jenny: "What?"
Nick: "Ok, how about you suck on my knob?"
Jenny: "Nick!?!"
Nick: "Fine I`ll suck on your tits."
Jenny: SILENCE AND POSSIBLE DISGUST
Nick: "Ok, forget all of that, how about a normal fuck?"

Nick: "Did you know Karl is shagging a 17 year-old?"
Carrie-Anne: "Yes"
Nick: "Well aren`t you bothered?"
Carrie-Anne: "What do you mean?"
Nick: "Well aren`t you his girlfriend?"
Carrie-Anne: "Nick, I am the 17-year old."
Nick: "Oh."

Nick: "Hadn't you better move away from me Lindsey? I mean Molineux will get mad"
Lindsey: "No, he's not like that any more"
Nick: "Does that mean I can shag you then?"
Lindsey: "Err, where's Dave??"

Nick: "I've had a lovely night, Jenny"
Bernii: "My name isn't Jenny"
Nick: "oops."

Ste: "So, you going back to University tommorow?"
Nick: "Eh? I don't go to university. Ooh right yeah, errm tomorow, errm"

Becky: "Nick, you'll have to pretend you're my boyfriend"
Nick: "Does that mean I'll get to shag you?"
Becky: "err, no."

Koz: "Don't you hate it, when your having a piss, and you've got a boner? cos all your piss goes all over. Happened last night and I was like 'shit', and got out the toilet roll"

Dave: "So, Nick what are you doing for your nineteenth birthday?"
Nick: "Eh? I'm not seventeen yet"

Koz: "Oh Shit, I haven't had a wank tonight"
Ste & Dave: "WHAT?"
Nick: "He always has a wank before he goes out"
Koz: "Shit, that means I'll have to Cop tonight"
Dave: "Eh? what do you do when you cop then?"

IN TOILETS:

"I must say, Stephen - I do have a very large cock"

TO A COMPLETE STRANGER: "I'm feeling quite olympic tonight"

NICK'S HOUSE:

"She's so ugly. Mind you, I bet she'd look nice when she's having an orgasm. All girls look nice when their having an orgasm. It's the way their eyes go..."

NICK PROCEEDED TO ROLL BACK HIS EYES IN THE FASHION OF A PENSIONER ON ACID

WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO BE ANSWERED: "She'd better be in, or... I'll piss in her mouth"

"Sometimes I can't be bothered with women, but other times it's like - wahay, let's talk about sex"

OVER THE PHONE, AS STE WAS LOOKING FOR SUPPORT:

Ste: "...It's just going to be so hard, I don't know how I'll cope"
Nick: SILENCE "Ha Ha!"
Ste: "Oh, Cheers mate"
Nick: "No, I was just looking at this dog on telly, it was talking"

"At my party will you go and tell everyone how great I am? Say Nick's cool, go and give him a blow job"

Ste: "Nick, why was the phone engaged just before?"
Nick: "I thought I'd pick it up, so that when it rang nobody would hear."

Nick: "Can you not come earlier?"
Ste: "You'll be ok, Koz will be there"
Nick: "WHAT?"
Ste: "I mean Koz can help you tidy up, like"
Nick: "Oh I thought you meant we'd be shagging"

IN THE STREET:

Nick: "You know when I was getting off with Jane?"
Ste: "Yeah?"
Nick: "Did she look like she was enjoying herself?"

Lisa: "Little Helen got run over, so we're buying her a card"
Nick: "Why, is she dead?"

WHILST HIS PHONE HAD BEEN RINGING FOR ABOUT A MINUTE: "Oooh, somebody's phone's ringing!"

Ste: "Hey, Nick that man looks like Rod Hull!"
Nick: "No, he looks more like the one who fell off the roof. Y'know - the one with the puppet"
Ste: "Nick, that WAS Rod Hull"

MISCELANIOUS:

Nick: "y'know this new lottery game? does it have a probability of one?"
Lyn: "errm, no"

TO A POOR SPANISH STUDENT: "tiene uno dicko largo"

"How do you say 'to have an orgasm' in Spanish?"

Assistant: "Are any of you over eighteen?"
Nick: "Why, do you want anal sex?"

Man: "So, that's a Big Mac meal with Regular fries. What drink would you like?"
Nick: "Errm, Lager?"

"I've got this shirt, but mine's a different colour. And the collar is a different size, So I suppose I haven't got it really."

SHOUTED IN THE LIBRARY: "Tell her she owes me big time. I'll be expecting a blow job soon"

HOW TO TRAP A LYON

Dumb Blonde Test

CLICK HERE

Nick is in general life completely sex mad too. Take a look at his signing of The Chapbook...

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